my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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