She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
