Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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