...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
