I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
