I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
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Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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