Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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