I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.