i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...