Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
