I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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