i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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