I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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