If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
being pregnant is like rehab
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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