making cat noises will not fix the situation.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
