My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
