I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I AM VODKA MAN
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
