bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
