he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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