It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
