I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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