can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am puke
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
