just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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