i don't plan on having that self control this summer
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you traded sex for a burrito?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
