At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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