at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Dignity is for republicans.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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