it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
