: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
