He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
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please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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