Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
