I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
