Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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