Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
