I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Terrible idea I love it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
