So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
tell me about the fingering
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