i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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