Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
