Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize