Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
