Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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