my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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