had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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