i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
