hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
