I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
