I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
