I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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