well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
