Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
