I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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