I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I need to align my fucking chakras
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
