For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
