walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
