i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
