Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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