I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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