My first STD was from a foam party
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
