dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
